You can look into your child's eyes and know when something is awry. He was looking up at me from the grocery basket so sheepish that I knew something was up. The magpie standing beside my cart simply would not hush. I had tried to avoid her, but when you are in the grocery with all 3 of your children under age 7, they are hungry and supper is late, you simply don't have all your wits about you. I was more concerned with what all they were adding to the cart than with making sure to avoid the most talkative human in my city. The day had been long, and I ran in to shop quickly I'd hoped. While she rattled on, basically blocking my path, I kept getting those looks from the little man sitting facing me. When I finally was able to break away and I pushed my cart forward, the reason for all those looks was revealed. There on the floor were little piles of ground chuck. That precious little darling had been reaching around behind him, sticking his fingers through the plastic and digging out ground chuck, then dropping the small wads onto the floor. Of course all this was happening on the opposite side of the cart where I was being bombarded.
Today I have felt as if my insides were ground chuck and someone was throwing parts of me on the floor. My Daddy would have been 64 today and my loss is so keen that I have the urge to hide. Why do I tend to hide when things feel out of kilter? How very apropos that we used to jokingly call my Daddy "Chuck", a derivative of his given name which was Charles. I'm told that as a child that nickname would infuriate him. I remember his fussing when me or one of my siblings would say "Hey Chuckie baby!".
There is a list of things that always seem to soothe my injured spirit. I tried them all over the course of my day. I watered my yard. I lit a candle. I bought groceries. I then put them away. I read some blogs. I bought 2 magazines that I shouldn't have splurged on. I turned on soothing music. I put on a favorite nightgown. I poured myself a Diet Barq's in a beautiful glass. All to no avail.
I've now just decided to blog. This rawness will no doubt be eased in the morning. This sort of day is rare for me, and I sometimes have to just give in to it. I shall wake up and be back to normal, not mentally making a list of things that heal me. I am going to have a day where the things I love doing come naturally and make my heart smile. I desperately miss you "Chuck"....uummm....Daddy.=)